What up everyone, it's your girl, Superwoman, and I work very hard.

大家好，我是 Superwoman，我超認真工作。

Straight up, like I make two comedy videos a week, I daily vlog, auditions, shoots, writing, meetings, calls, showering.

我認真的，我一個禮拜有兩部搞笑影片要拍，每天都要記錄影音網誌、試鏡、拍攝、寫劇本、開會、打電話、洗澡。

It's a lot, I'm a hustler!

超多事情，我根本是拼命三郎！

What up t-shirt reference!

就像我衣服上寫的！

Now that I've got that out of the way, let me tell you all of my lazy habits.

現在我們講完這些之後，讓我來跟你分享我的懶惰習慣。

Number one, cleaning make-up brushes.

第一，清潔刷具。

Now apparently, you're supposed to do this more than once a year.

很顯然地，這絕對不是一年才做一次的事。

Yeah, I don't know.

我不知道。

Like I'm pretty busy doing other things, like hiding in a bush in Fortnite and complaining about my acne.

但我忙著做很多事，像是躲在線上遊戲畫面裡的草叢抱怨我的痘痘。

And a good make-up brush costs like $50, like am I right.

而且一個好一點的刷具大概要 1500 塊，對吧？。

I know all the makeup gurus are gonna be like $50?

這時候很多美妝部落客應該會說：1500 塊？

That's a steal!

很划算啊！

But no, for me, fifty dollars for a good make-up brush.

但對我來說，1500 塊買一支好的刷具。

Fifty dollars for a brush, like is it Laurel, is it Yanny, no, it's neither, it's a scam.

一支 1500 塊的刷具，不是國民黨，不是民進黨，根本是金光黨啊。

You're telling me, I'ma buy this expensive brush, and then I have to groom and bathe said brush?

你現在跟我說，我買一支貴鬆鬆的刷具，我還要幫它洗澡？

For that price, the brush should be giving me a shower.

以這個價錢來看，我花 1500 應該是它要幫我洗澡吧。

Just like yo, not only will you do my blush, okay, you gonna do my blush, shave my legs, and then make me a hot cup of ginger tea.

就像：嘿，你不只要幫我上妝，上妝之外，你還要幫我除腿毛，然後泡杯薑茶給我喝。

Not to mention, I don't even know how to properly clean a make-up brush without ruining it's bristles,

更何況，我根本不知道要怎麼正確清洗刷具而不會破壞它的刷毛。

Like it starts like this and I wash it and it's like...

它可能本來長這樣，我洗完之後就變這樣 ……。

Like can't I just rub it against a tic-tac and call it a day?

我不能隨便搓搓它就好了嗎？

Or, do I now gotta buy a brush cleaner, for the fifty dollar brush, it's madness I tell you!

還是我要為了 1500 塊的刷具，再買個刷具清潔劑？我告訴你，你有病！

So yeah, for sure my make-up brushes, are fugly.

可想而知，我的刷具都超髒。

Every day, hundreds of make-up brushes are left dirty.

每一天，上百支刷具都被弄得灰頭土臉。

Sweat.

汗水。

Foundation.

粉底。

Blush.

腮紅。

Infested with germs.

充滿細菌。

Neglected.

被棄置一旁。

Used.

用完。

And abused.

就丟。

It's been nine months since I've been washed.

我已經九個月沒有洗澡了。

I used to be pink!

我以前是粉紅色的！

What the f man, why do I keep breaking out?

搞什麼，我又長痘痘了？

Number two, wearing sunscreen.

第二，擦防曬。

You see, I have an issue here, okay,

我有個問題，好嗎？

I can't accept the fact that I spent most of my childhood, singing a song to Mr. Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, and now as I've grown up, you have the audacity to say that you're gonna burn my skin?

我沒辦法接受我大部分童年時間都在歌頌太陽公公，溫暖的太陽公公，現在我長大了，你竟然有膽告訴我你會曬傷我的皮膚？

And I need protection from you?

我需要避開你？

Nah-uh, okay, I have decided to unstan.

無法接受，我不再愛你了，太陽公公。

Because here's the thing about sunscreen, right, it's annoying, and it's a especially annoying if you have brown skin.

重點是什麼你知道嗎？防曬乳很討厭，尤其當你是黑皮膚就更討厭。

Pourquoi? (French) You ask?

你問我「為什麼 (法文)」？

Because since the beginning of time, sunscreen has never mixed in well, or efficiently with my brown skin.

因為防曬乳從來就跟我的黑皮膚無法融合。

Let's go, you're gonna miss the bus.

走吧，妳會趕不上公車。

Yeah, one sec.

好，等等我。

You missed the test.

妳考試沒考到。

One sec.

等一下。

Goodnight.

晚安。

One sec.

等等啦。

Not to mention, it's super greasy looking, and feeling.

更別提擦防曬看起來超油，摸起來更油。

Finally!

終於！

And whenever I do wear sunscreen, it ends up making my brown skin look purple.

而且每次我擦完防曬我的膚色都會看起來紫紫的。

Although side note, I will say that I found a new product, that is actually dope, and not whack.

順道一提，我發現一個新產品，它很厲害，不是地雷。

So Olay hit me up and sent me this whip's product, and they said it was gonna be a sunscreen that works with my brown skin, and I was like, are you sure?

Olay 最近寄了這個 whip 系列的產品給我，他們說這款防曬是深膚色適用的，我想說你確定？

So I gave it a test drive on my recent trip to Mexico, and I'm gonna admit, no bs, this is dope!

於是我最近去墨西哥的時候就試用了它，我必須承認，不誇張，這真的很讚。

So in this one instance, I'm gonna stop being lazy, and actually use this product, and wear sunscreen, but every other example in this video, no.

多虧這個東西，我相信我會勤勞一點，會真的好好用它，還會擦防曬，但要做影片講的其他事的話，還是算了。

Okay I'm gonna make the same mistake, and then just deal with the consequences.

我會不斷犯同樣的錯，然後承擔後果。

Thank you, godspeed.

謝謝，祝我成功。

Number three, updating my computer.

第三，更新電腦。

Here's the issue with computer updates right, is they give me the opportunity to procrastinate on a silver platter.

電腦更新有個重點，那就是它有個拖延選項。

How are you gonna expect me, me, to make the right decision when you're so easily presenting me with an option to do this task tomorrow.

你怎麼能夠在期望我做出正確決定的同時，給了我一個「明天再更新」的選項。

Like, is this your first day on Earth?

你是第一天來到地球嗎？

Have you never met a human?

你是不是不了解人類？

You're giving us way too much credit.

你太高估我們了。

Because of course I don't wanna do this right now, no one wants to do this right now.

因為我當然不想在當下更新啊，誰都不想立刻更新吧。

It's annoying, you gotta click the thing, load the thing, and the thing that does the thing, and then you gotta restart the whole thing.

這很煩人，你要按下去，等它下載，然後跑一堆功能，最後還要重新開機？

No thanks, I'm for sure gonna do this tomorrow, when I'm a better and more patient person, get outta here.

不了謝謝，我肯定明天才會更新，如果我夠有耐心、成為更好的人的話 ... 還是算了。

Can I borrow your laptop for a sec?

可以跟你借一下電腦嗎？

Yeah, sure.

可以呀。

Thanks.

謝謝。

Let me just minimize MSN Messenger, sorry.

我先把 MSN 視窗縮小，抱歉。

And close Paint, I was working on something, cool.

還要關掉小畫家，我剛剛在做些東西，好了。

Oh, you know let me just minimize Napster too, so it doesn't slow it down.

噢，讓我把 Napster 也縮小好了，這樣電腦才不會跑不動。

There you go.

好了，給你。

Why don't you just update your computer?

你為什麼不更新電腦？

Oh no I am, tomorrow.

我會呀，明天更新。

The internet isn't working.

沒辦法上網耶。

Huh?

嗯？

Oh, sorry.

噢，抱歉。

Oh, he got a phone call, sorry I have to start it again.

他電話響了，抱歉，要重新連一次。

Okay until tomorrow I'm fine playing solitaire on Windows 95.

我可以玩 Windows 95 的接龍，玩到明天。

Honestly some of the best days are when I won solitaire, you know what I'm talking about?

而且我接龍贏了的時候其實還滿開心的，你知道我在說什麼嗎？

Those cards with the little screen like (whirring).

就是那些牌會像這樣 (咻)。

You know, honestly that was lit.

你知道，那其實很爽。

Number four, washing my face.

第四，洗臉。

Okay, I promise, I'm going to wash my make-up before I sleep.

我發誓，我睡前一定會卸妝！

I promise, I'm gonna wash my make-up before I sleep!

我發誓，我睡前一定會卸妝！

I promise, I'm gonna wash make-up sleep.

我發誓，我睡前一定會卸妝！

I promise.

我發誓。

I am for sure going to wash my make-up before I sleep.

我一定會在睡覺前卸妝。

Damn it.

可惡。

I just think it's unrealistic, for the universe to think that I'm gonna go through a day, potentially filled with nonsense and tomfoolery, and then come home with enough capacity and energy to wash my face.

我不敢相信，全世界都覺得我有辦法在度過充滿鳥事跟蠢事的一天之後，還有多餘的時間跟力氣去卸妝洗臉。

That's insanity!

不可理喻！

My pores need to take several seats.

我的毛孔越來越大。

Rather, evolution just needs to smarten up and find a way to expel my make-up from my face.

或是科技發展應該更進步，想個辦法讓我的妝自動卸除。

After a long day, like I just come home, and my make-up just...fireballs (whooshing) just off my face, just and just fake-lash fireball.

漫長的一天，回到家後，我的妝就像火球一樣，直接從我臉上衝出來，充滿假睫毛的火球。

Not to mention the horrible combination of being lazy, but then also loving white linens.

更別提懶惰又愛用白色的衣物床單，這恐怖的組合。

What kind of sick joke is this?

你在跟我開玩笑嗎？

Like if you ever need a stunt double, for any of my videos, just use my pillowcase.

你拍片如果想找我的替身的話，用我的枕頭套就好。

Ugh, the heck man, why do I keep breaking out?

呃，搞什麼，我為什麼又長痘痘？

Why do I keep breaking out?

為什麼我一直長痘痘？

Honestly it remains a mystery.

這大概永遠是個謎。

Yo shoutouts to Olay for making this video possible, straight up, if you wanna dope sunscreen and facial moisturizer, get this.

謝謝 Olay 讓這部影片得以出現，相信我，你如果想要一款很厲害的防曬跟臉部保濕產品的話，買它。

Cause it worked under my make-up, didn't leave me greasy like a samosa, and didn't turn me into Barney.

就算上妝也一樣有效，不會像咖哩角那樣油膩，也不會讓我看起來像霸王龍邦尼。

SPF 25 son!

防曬係數 25！

Otherwise, make sure you subscribe, because I make new videos every Monday and Thursday!

另外，請確保你有訂閱，我每周一和四都會上新片！

One love Superwoman, that is a wrap, and zoop!

最愛你們的 Superwoman，就這樣，掰！